He Has No Idea How Much…

I know he knows I care for him. He does not know how much. He has no idea, how much. I hate this. I seriously hate this. I haven’t said much recently because of a few reasons. First off, I am a full time student, and work 18 hours a week. Second thing is, I have had the same argument in my head hundreds of times now! No joke! I have, shall we say… talked loudly, to him and told him exactly how I feel about him and how I wish he felt about me, and how I know he never will feel that way. Last off, I still love him. I hate having to have the same argument in my head like this! I can’t see into your mind to know how he feels and when he stays quiet and doesn’t talk, it scares me the most. It scares me because it makes a nightmare of mine come true. — The silence. It’s like I’m in this great open space, a never ending, white room. I feel the ground below me, but can’t see the walls, ceiling, or anything around me. And all the sudden, there’s music. But I don’t hear it, I can only see it. I can see the music. And it’s terrifying. It’s a huge mass of music, and I can’t do anything but run. — This man makes me able to hear the music again. He brings life to it. So it isn’t scary anymore. Not only does he let me hear the music, but he lets me feel it, touch it, caress it in between my fingers, and see it flutter in front of me. I can run along beside it, instead of from it. I hate having the same argument over and over and over again in my mind. Especially when I know he doesn’t return my feelings for him. Every argument is the same, too. They all center around me telling him that he needs to let his past stay in the past, his exes serve as only scars that let him know the past is real, but over with. The fact that he has a girl here and now, who loves him with all her heart. Who doesn’t want anyone else, or anything more, than him. He knows I care. He knows that I turned down three marriage proposals from the same man, because I did not love that man. He helped me get over the fact that the other man had confessed suicide over the fact that I said no. He knows about the man in the military who wants a different type of relationship then I do with him. I want a friendship with this man, and nothing more. He wants more, and he’s been nothing more that sweet about it. But this man who I can’t stop thinking about, he’s all I can think about. He knows I care for him. He has no idea how much. I am scared because I know he wants the same things in life, as I do. A loving, affectionate, loyal, and warm-hearted spouse, kids, a home, a cat or dog to cuddle, a good job… and all the rest. He wants someone to love, to hold, to be with. Someone to hold hands with, to hold in his arms during a movie, to fall asleep in his arms while laying in bed, to comfort when they’re sad, someone to comfort him when he needs it too, someone to grow old with and be with forever. We both want these things. He just doesn’t want them with me. Him and I are like two soles split by bad timing. If I had only met him first. If he had only met me before his last ex before meeting me. Maybe there could have been something. Something real. I know he knows I care for him. He does not know how much. He has no idea, how much. I truly believe he is my sole mate. I believe that fate brought us together, but I have no idea why. What I must have done wrong to deserve this. I hope that there is something I am missing. Something he hasn’t told me. Something about how he loves me. I know he cares for me. I don’t know how much, and suppose I never will know how much. After all, we are both among the most guarded of people. He’s told me before how he wishes that he could return my feelings for him. But he can’t. I think he won’t. I think he is afraid. He is afraid of letting himself fall for another woman. Not again. There is one major difference between him and I. Although we are both confident, he is more so than I. But I am more brave. I am willing to let my heart lead me, and he is not. If he had only met me first. I know he knows I care for him. He does not know how much. He has no idea, how much.

Until next time~

Tovala

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