The silence is the worst. It’s like a straight jacket of noise just watching you struggle to let lose. I hate those times when I don’t know what he’s thinking about. I hope he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about him. But I know he isn’t. The times where one of us says something where it leaves me completely and mangled useless. That, that right there is the silence. When neither one of us text or message the other one. All I see and all I hear, is silence. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to find a nice man who wants me in all the same ways as I want him. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I know I’ve told you once about how we met, but I’ll give your memory a refresher. We first met on Tinder, I joined as a joke and found someone wonderful. I thought it would be a fun way to meet someone to casually date. I wasn’t looking for anything more. As we talked more and more, I realized that I wanted something more with him. Something real. When he realized how much I actually cared for him, he told me that we had to stop ‘going out’ and start to just be friends. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go completely. You see, when an inventor’s invention has been denied, they modify it. They change it, until it is accepted. These are the modifications I have made to my invention, to my relationship in order to keep what frail splinters of hope that I have of keeping him in my life. Then one day he wasn’t doing so well. He had almost kissed me again after he was the one who told me we had to be friends. I left to go home soon after that. Then about a week after that, he wasn’t doing so well again. I came over to talk with him, and he told me that he just didn’t care anymore what happens. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him, and we both knew it. That night we started ‘going out’ again. He’ll never ‘date’ me though. He still isn’t over his ex, and he doesn’t want anything serious with me. Like really, nothing serious. He’s made that very clear to me many times. I never thought I would be the type of woman who stays with, and who actually wants a man like this. Someone who is so afraid to move on from his past. To let it go. But I get it. And I get why I am particularly hard for him to wrap his head around. After all, I think our first date was the day he was supposed to have gotten married. And you know what’s really sick? I know her name from something. I just can’t place it. As hard as I try, I just can’t think about where I know her name from. I hate thinking about her. I hate knowing that she hurt him so much. So deeply. Why can’t I just, turn it off? Turn everything off. I hate the silence. With a passion, I hate the silence.
Until next time~