Toxic.

You told me once or twice before (…fine, a few times. Is that better?) that our relationship is toxic. My coworkers and friends have told me this too. Using the exact same word. Toxic. I don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Tonight you called me. We talked. You hung up. I made you upset. Again, one of us made the other upset. I can’t usually tell when I’ve made you upset though. I am truly sorry for that. If you know me at all, you would know that I care very deeply, and would never make you upset or hurt you on purpose.

We are the same. We are both damaged goods. Hazardous waste. A danger to one’s self and society. Emotionally compromised. Toxic.

I have been told that my posts are very sad. I am well aware of this fact, as it is nothing new to me. This however, is all that has been going through my head lately. He is all that I can think about. It’s hard to think about much else right now. But I’ll end up forcing myself to. Just as I always do. It’s hard to not text you. Not call you. Not message you. I fucking hate that there are so many ways to contact one person. After you hung up tonight, and we texted a few times, I told you that I would not contact you until you did so first. To take space you need. I hope you don’t take to long to call me back. You said that we could never be together because you need someone who’s just as arrogant as you are. You made sure to inform me that this ‘isn’t about [me]. It’s about [you] and [your] damn conscious [you] developed.’ One final question for the night. Did you actually think that any of this was surprising to me? News flash… It wasn’t. Not one bit.

I miss the relationship that never was. But, I will find a man someday who appreciates the gem I am, and who will take my toxic past and turn it around.

I have nothing else to say. So I’ll collect what’s left of me, and move on.

Until next time~

Tovala

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