Truth or Dare. 

After a long day of comparing myself to others, I’ve realized something. There’s no need to. I dare myself to compare almost everything about my being to other people, other women. Isn’t it just exhausting? In reality, I compare my body, mind, and spirit to other women in countless ways, with more criticisms then a magazine editor and food critic combined. I dare myself to compare to them, when in reality I should be looking at the truth of the matter. Ladies and gentlemen, the trust, is that they are no better than me. And I, am the best me there ever will be. 

Until next time, 

-Tovala

The Escape Artist

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Modifications To An Invention. I don’t even know where to begin this time… I have made many modifications to the relationships in my life. Writing a post is always very nerve wracking, but I have discuss. So get on board. After all, you swim with the sharks, or die with the fishes, right?

I am finally over him. I can finally put the past where it belongs, where he belongs. Now, it’s time to face to future head on when full force. Closure is sweet. I have put one man in the past and another has taken his place. I am glad to announce that my man has proudly been by my side since St. Patrick’s Day. -I like having a fun way to remember my anniversary anyway.- The feeling that you just ‘fit’ into someone’s life is simply wonderful. That’s how it feels with him. We simply ‘fit’ into one another’s lives. When I look into his eyes, I see something profound. When I look into his eyes, I see a future, and I feel safe and secure.

I have always wanted to travel to a new place, see new things, and meet new people. Just leave, and go. Escape. I have been in the same city my entire life, and I feel a powerful need for change. Recently, while imagining myself in these new places, doing these new things, and meeting these new people, I am seeing him there with me. Right beside me. I see a future with this man, and I want it immensely.

I am an escape artist awaiting her great escape…

Until next time~

Tovala

Love Actually

Love actually… or maybe not.

Yeah, let’s go with not. I’d rather it be real, but I can’t control others’. I hate that, don’t you? And I hate being that sad little brokenhearted girl. So I’m not. I refuse to be ‘that girl’. The man that I was in love with — all to stupidly I might add– has crushed any feelings I had for him. hahaha I mean, I wish he did. As much as I don’t want to be ‘that girl’, I am the girl who never loses hope. That’s something that will never change about me. Nor would I want it to. But I do recognize that ‘i need to take my own advise. When my friends are put into situations like this, I tell them that he isn’t worth it. You deserve to have someone who cares about you, who will be there for you, who will go out of their way for you. So yes, I will take my own advise. But, I will save him as a friend. That much is granted to those who desire it.

So here’s to my single guys and gals out there, because we rock!!

Until next time~

Tovala

Poker Face

Once you have shown your cards, what’s supposed to come after that? I was never really all that good at poker itself, only reading people. Their micro-expressions, affect, changes in speech, tone, breathing and heart rate, body language, and the way they hold themself. Depending on the person, there’s a specific way they hold their cards, sit in their chair, adjust their body to match their level of comfort. You don’t need to be fabulous at the game, to win it. Hell, you don’t even need to understand it, to win it. But all that I am interested in doing, is cashing out. I’ve shown you my cards. I can’t tell if you’ve looked down at them or not, since you have seemingly always had the upper hand anyway. You are the only person who I have honestly had such a hard time reading. You and I. We think alike, you know. You read me, and I read you. There’s a disconnect though. I can’t read you over the computer. I can’t see you, hear you. I can only read the messages you send me. But no matter what you write or don’t write, the silence is worse. You tell me that you just need time. you like your solitude. I get that. But there’s a fear that lives within me, now. A fear that the space will deepen and grow, and you won’t want to repair it. But now that I’ve shown you my cards…I haven’t heard from you. You are nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be heard from. This is me folding my cards. We didn’t work for two reasons: 1. You love her. 2. I love you. You told me before that you had never thought of me like that, and never would. I believe you. you would never lie to me. you are the only man who I honestly believe, would never lie to me. I truly believe that if you were to let her stay in the past, you could move on with me in your future. you asked me why I thought we haven’t worked so far. This was my answer. She destroyed you once, and it’s dragging on. i get it, I do. We’ve talked about it. A lot. I understand the situation as you’ve presented it to me, even from our first date together. But keep in mind. You messaged me first. You were the tinder to my fire. And the damn app worked. Your love for her has made me insecure. We get into fights because one of us joke, I get scared that you’ll call her again, and then I get nervous freak out in one way or another. I’m sorry about that. I really am. no matter how much you think you know me, you’ve only seen my insecurities. See me for me. Not when I’m terrified that you’re going to call her back and let the space between us grow. Leave her in the past, and let me be in your future. Take off your poker face. I dare you…

Until next time~

Tovala

The World’s Misunderstanding.

I find it so interesting. So interesting how someone can be so curious, yet when they ask the world about their questions, the only response is that they need to have more confidence. Last night I asked a… lets just call him a friend (a very good friend, and no, he is not the same man I’ve written about in the past), about my blog and how he would describe me. One thing he said to me, was that I seem to have very little confidence. I have been told this by a few other people in my life as well. It puzzles me every time, because I am very confident in myself. I know who I am, and I know where I want to go in life. The journey however, is screwing me up and trying to knock me down at every turn and fork in the road. Non the less, I am confident in myself, and there are few things that I am not confident in. As I have explained to people who tell me how I am in need of confidence, I am confident but I am curious. I have questions, and I ask them. As most people hold the questions in and repress them, I ask them. I see no point in repressing questions, therefor I do not. If I am wondering how others view me, think of, or see me, then I ask them (It’s not like I ask random people, I’m not that much of a creeper). But I have asked a select few friends. I’m a psychology major. What can I say, I love knowing the reasoning behind people’s behaviors and thoughts. It’s just what I do, how I think, and I can’t help it. So why hide it? I feel like this is an AA meeting for questions. –Hello, my name is Tova. I am a question-er. I am brave enough to ask my questions, and confident enough not give a damn about every response I get back.–  When I ask questions it isn’t that I seek approval, it’s that I’m curious. I want to know what others think of me because it entertains me. When people first get to know me, they are often very surprised by the things that come out of my mouth. I am one of those people who has an outrageously wild mind. One of the reasons I liked the guy I’ve written so many times about before on this blog, is because he’s the only man I have ever known who could match my mind set and keep up. He loved the strange way my mind works. How one second I could be petting the cat and the next second, I’d tell him how fun it would be to be in my dark classroom alone with him, as he wraps him arms around me and I kiss his neck. And yes, this is based off actual events. I’ll give other examples if you like, just ask me in the comment section. I always respond. That’s how my mind works, and I can’t help it. No shame here.

The moral of my rant –current rant– is that just because people may ask a lot of questions, but don’t automatically assume that their questioning of things means that they have no confidence. I am very confident, and you see that the more I choose to open up to you. It takes a while to see those part of me: the question-er and the confident young woman who will speak her mind. The world just misunderstands me sometimes.

Until next time~

Tovala