D*mn Facebook.

I was doing so well with not wanting him. Forcing myself to not think of his voice, his smell. The way he loved to play his nerdy games and play with his cat on the bed I once loved laying in. The warm embrace that once felt so natural, being under his arm, my lips working their way from his chest up to his neck and followed by his lips. Yes these are the thoughts I try to stay away from and keep from letting invade my mind. I was doing a pretty good job of it up until I saw something so unexpected that it took me back a few steps. Seeing his friend from work, that I have zero friends in common with, on my suggestions for friends on facebook. Seeing that before class the other day really woke me up. It felt like the universe was mad at me again. But you know, it’s funny. The last time I felt like crying was the day we cut each other off. And since then, nothing. I think that’s the key to knowing you’ve made the right choice. The fact that I wanted to cry more before cutting ties, then I do after. Sure, I get lonely now and then, but that’s normal. I realize that, but I also realize that I need someone more mature then him. Someone who wants the same things as me. I need someone who wants to text me. Someone who wants to hold me. Someone who wants to caress me. Most importantly, someone who I can make happy in return.

Anyway, I wish I had a better topic to tell you about. But I just don’t right now. Sorry. Lately the only topic I feel that brings relief to me, is my love life. However much of a good trouble it is.

Until next time~

Tovala

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Great Job Universe. Thanks A Bunch.

Alright, alright, alright. Enough already. I was a fool and I know it. Now that I’ve admitted to it publicly, can the world finally just let it go?? I’ve let it go, let him go. I will not return to the toxic relationship that once was. Or the person he made me become. I don’t like that girl. I never did.

To all of those people who hold themselves to a much higher standard, much harsher standard, almost to the point where you’re cruel toward yourself, you need to stop. I have, or am trying. That’s me though. But I’ll make you a promise. If you stop and promise to not be such a self hater, then I will to. I am my own worst hater. And he helped drag me down that road, so I burned that bridge. To be honest, I self detonated that bridge in a slow way, today. And I don’t want to sound vain or anything, so I’ll give him some well deserved credit, too. Both of our techniques for destruction were masterfully crafted, and equally toxic. I must say… well done. We might both be pretty well damaged for a long time to come. But I’ll tell you one thing. I’m worth more than that.

Great job universe. Thanks a bunch.

Until next time~

Tovala

These Most Lovely of Horrible Emotions

It’s the most lovely of horrible emotions when all the right things happen, only it’s with the wrong person. And your desired one is off on a date, while you rest in the arms of another. Where you get all the treatment that you had hoped for, only when you look up, it’s to the wrong face. The wrong voice. The wrong touch. And the wrong heart.

It’s horrible from every angle. That moment when you face the fact that you truly do not want them, but you know they want you. That moment where you know you desire someone else, and you know they want you too, but you cannot be together. The moment that star crossed lovers will forever be tormented by the dream of happiness but the bite of reality. That moment where, you know you love them more then they will ever love you.

That moment. Let that moment crash and die, before you do.

Until next time~
Tovala

Toxic.

You told me once or twice before (…fine, a few times. Is that better?) that our relationship is toxic. My coworkers and friends have told me this too. Using the exact same word. Toxic. I don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Tonight you called me. We talked. You hung up. I made you upset. Again, one of us made the other upset. I can’t usually tell when I’ve made you upset though. I am truly sorry for that. If you know me at all, you would know that I care very deeply, and would never make you upset or hurt you on purpose.

We are the same. We are both damaged goods. Hazardous waste. A danger to one’s self and society.¬†Emotionally compromised.¬†Toxic.

I have been told that my posts are very sad. I am well aware of this fact, as it is nothing new to me. This however, is all that has been going through my head lately. He is all that I can think about. It’s hard to think about much else right now. But I’ll end up forcing myself to. Just as I always do. It’s hard to not text you. Not call you. Not message you. I fucking hate that there are so many ways to contact one person. After you hung up tonight, and we texted a few times, I told you that I would not contact you until you did so first. To take space you need. I hope you don’t take to long to call me back. You said that we could never be together because you need someone who’s just as arrogant as you are. You made sure to inform me that this ‘isn’t about [me]. It’s about [you] and [your] damn conscious [you] developed.’ One final question for the night. Did you actually think that any of this was surprising to me? News flash… It wasn’t. Not one bit.

I miss the relationship that never was. But, I will find a man someday who appreciates the gem I am, and who will take my toxic past and turn it around.

I have nothing else to say. So I’ll collect what’s left of me, and move on.

Until next time~

Tovala

Because I Deserve It.

A question as old as time. No, not that one. I mean, the question of how long it should take you to ‘get over someone’? Especially when you were never actually dating or even ‘with’ them? It may be hard to believe, but I actually have this down. I think the only appropriate answer, is how ever long it took you to ‘fall’ for them is how long you should give yourself to ‘get over’ them. Yeah, that seems only logical. Plus, in this case I gave all that I could and more. It still wasn’t enough. To solidify the end of what never was, he called it toxic. I don’t deserve that. Nobody does.

Until next time~

Tovala

Love Actually

Love actually… or maybe not.

Yeah, let’s go with not. I’d rather it be real, but I can’t control others’. I hate that, don’t you? And I hate being that sad little brokenhearted girl. So I’m not. I refuse to be ‘that girl’. The man that I was in love with — all to stupidly I might add– has crushed any feelings I had for him. hahaha I mean, I wish he did. As much as I don’t want to be ‘that girl’, I am the girl who never loses hope. That’s something that will never change about me. Nor would I want it to. But I do recognize that ‘i need to take my own advise. When my friends are put into situations like this, I tell them that he isn’t worth it. You deserve to have someone who cares about you, who will be there for you, who will go out of their way for you. So yes, I will take my own advise. But, I will save him as a friend. That much is granted to those who desire it.

So here’s to my single guys and gals out there, because we rock!!

Until next time~

Tovala

Time After Time…

There’s a secret to it all, you see. The key to our relationship -what ever that relationship may be at the time- is that if I keep talking to you, you’ll keep talking to me. You tell me that if I really knew you, I would know that you would keep talking to me, as long as I keep talking to you. But I have my doubts about that. Just like the words you find need to be evaluated in your life, I wonder what rules you keep, will also be reevaluated. I’ve told you that I never wanted to play any mind games with you. I message you when I feel like talking with you. I haven’t played hard to get, even though I know you love the chase. I have never lied to you, even as it pains me to tell you the truth. But your rejection, pains me the most. Time. After time. After time. And time again.

Until next time~

Tovala

Good Trouble

The grass is not always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you decide to water it. Just make sure that you do not decide to water a poisoned lawn.

I am all for honesty being the best policy. I believe that honesty is a core value in any relationship, but what happens when you speak the truth and you are told it is false? You know it is true, and they tell you that you are in a dream like haze. My books give me a general understanding, while life clarifies that understanding. Yes, such is true. But my soul gives me love, and my heart projects it. Rejection is most foul, as a sure thing is a rarity. You once called me intriguing, but now you call me infatuated. You may know me, the real me. But you obviously do not know me well enough.

Until next time~

Tovala

Time to Retreat.

Really, I’m being serious. I am a good person. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? To deserve falling for a man who doesn’t want me. All I want is for you to text, call, message, anything. I just just want you to realize that you have deeper feelings for me then you thought. Wow. I am pathetic. I feel like a complete idiot for obsessing over this one man, but yet I can’t stop. I can’t focus on anything else. I think blogging is the only way to get some sort of relief from thinking about him. The only other way that I can see being helpful, is for him to hold me close, in his arms. Realistically, I don’t know if that will ever happen again. Last night, when I was at his apartment we talked. We talked, and you told me that we need to end this, How he doesn’t want to hurt me. You told me what I already know. What this blog has pathetically turned tribute to: the fact that I love you. Then I said that I know that you want a real relationship someday, just not with me. That when you finds that woman, you wouldn’t know how to tell me without breaking me. I asked a question I knew the answer to, once more. I asked if that was final, if you had made up your mind. You nodded your head, and told me it would be for the best. I asked if you still wanted to be friends, like we agreed the first time. You told me that you did. I refuse to text you today. Or call, or message, or anything else. Not yet at least. All I know, is that I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t understand why I am suddenly thinking like this though. I’ve never wanted someone so badly in my life. I am a strong, independent, confident young woman. I have a bright, long future ahead of me. I know who I am, and you can’t compromise that. You can’t and won’t change me. I don’t let people have that much control over me. Don’t you worry about that. I’m very upfront and honest. Very bold and direct with people. And if someone is on my mind, I do something about it. I text, or message them. And so not texting you, so well… difficult. But I need to distance myself. I need that for me. I need to retreat. Heal. It’s time for me to let my feelings for you fade. I don’t think they’ll ever actually be gone for good.

Until next time~

Tovala

The Silence

The silence is the worst. It’s like a straight jacket of noise just watching you struggle to let lose. I hate those times when I don’t know what he’s thinking about. I hope he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about him. But I know he isn’t. The times where one of us says something where it leaves me completely and mangled useless. That, that right there is the silence. When neither one of us text or message the other one. All I see and all I hear, is silence. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to find a nice man who wants me in all the same ways as I want him. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I know I’ve told you once about how we met, but I’ll give your memory a refresher. We first met on Tinder, I joined as a joke and found someone wonderful. I thought it would be a fun way to meet someone to casually date. I wasn’t looking for anything more. As we talked more and more, I realized that I wanted something more with him. Something real. When he realized how much I actually cared for him, he told me that we had to stop ‘going out’ and start to just be friends. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go completely. You see, when an inventor’s invention has been denied, they modify it. They change it, until it is accepted. These are the modifications I have made to my invention, to my relationship in order to keep what frail splinters of hope that I have of keeping him in my life. Then one day he wasn’t doing so well. He had almost kissed me again after he was the one who told me we had to be friends. I left to go home soon after that. Then about a week after that, he wasn’t doing so well again. I came over to talk with him, and he told me that he just didn’t care anymore what happens. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him, and we both knew it. That night we started ‘going out’ again. He’ll never ‘date’ me though. He still isn’t over his ex, and he doesn’t want anything serious with me. Like really, nothing serious. He’s made that very clear to me many times. I never thought I would be the type of woman who stays with, and who actually wants a man like this. Someone who is so afraid to move on from his past. To let it go. But I get it. And I get why I am particularly hard for him to wrap his head around. After all, I think our first date was the day he was supposed to have gotten married. And you know what’s really sick? I know her name from something. I just can’t place it. As hard as I try, I just can’t think about where I know her name from. I hate thinking about her. I hate knowing that she hurt him so much. So deeply. Why can’t I just, turn it off? Turn everything off. I hate the silence. With a passion, I hate the silence.

Until next time~

Tovala