Truth or Dare. 

After a long day of comparing myself to others, I’ve realized something. There’s no need to. I dare myself to compare almost everything about my being to other people, other women. Isn’t it just exhausting? In reality, I compare my body, mind, and spirit to other women in countless ways, with more criticisms then a magazine editor and food critic combined. I dare myself to compare to them, when in reality I should be looking at the truth of the matter. Ladies and gentlemen, the trust, is that they are no better than me. And I, am the best me there ever will be. 

Until next time, 

-Tovala

Yup. I Love Him.

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I hope you can find some use of these things. The flag represents my heart and is a small piece of me you can take with you. The name tape on the front represents the future and name I hope to share with you. The cover of camo represents my arms always around you.

With all the love and hope I possess…

Yes… I love him.

Until next time~

Tovala

The Escape Artist

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Modifications To An Invention. I don’t even know where to begin this time… I have made many modifications to the relationships in my life. Writing a post is always very nerve wracking, but I have discuss. So get on board. After all, you swim with the sharks, or die with the fishes, right?

I am finally over him. I can finally put the past where it belongs, where he belongs. Now, it’s time to face to future head on when full force. Closure is sweet. I have put one man in the past and another has taken his place. I am glad to announce that my man has proudly been by my side since St. Patrick’s Day. -I like having a fun way to remember my anniversary anyway.- The feeling that you just ‘fit’ into someone’s life is simply wonderful. That’s how it feels with him. We simply ‘fit’ into one another’s lives. When I look into his eyes, I see something profound. When I look into his eyes, I see a future, and I feel safe and secure.

I have always wanted to travel to a new place, see new things, and meet new people. Just leave, and go. Escape. I have been in the same city my entire life, and I feel a powerful need for change. Recently, while imagining myself in these new places, doing these new things, and meeting these new people, I am seeing him there with me. Right beside me. I see a future with this man, and I want it immensely.

I am an escape artist awaiting her great escape…

Until next time~

Tovala

Great Job Universe. Thanks A Bunch.

Alright, alright, alright. Enough already. I was a fool and I know it. Now that I’ve admitted to it publicly, can the world finally just let it go?? I’ve let it go, let him go. I will not return to the toxic relationship that once was. Or the person he made me become. I don’t like that girl. I never did.

To all of those people who hold themselves to a much higher standard, much harsher standard, almost to the point where you’re cruel toward yourself, you need to stop. I have, or am trying. That’s me though. But I’ll make you a promise. If you stop and promise to not be such a self hater, then I will to. I am my own worst hater. And he helped drag me down that road, so I burned that bridge. To be honest, I self detonated that bridge in a slow way, today. And I don’t want to sound vain or anything, so I’ll give him some well deserved credit, too. Both of our techniques for destruction were masterfully crafted, and equally toxic. I must say… well done. We might both be pretty well damaged for a long time to come. But I’ll tell you one thing. I’m worth more than that.

Great job universe. Thanks a bunch.

Until next time~

Tovala

These Most Lovely of Horrible Emotions

It’s the most lovely of horrible emotions when all the right things happen, only it’s with the wrong person. And your desired one is off on a date, while you rest in the arms of another. Where you get all the treatment that you had hoped for, only when you look up, it’s to the wrong face. The wrong voice. The wrong touch. And the wrong heart.

It’s horrible from every angle. That moment when you face the fact that you truly do not want them, but you know they want you. That moment where you know you desire someone else, and you know they want you too, but you cannot be together. The moment that star crossed lovers will forever be tormented by the dream of happiness but the bite of reality. That moment where, you know you love them more then they will ever love you.

That moment. Let that moment crash and die, before you do.

Until next time~
Tovala

Poker Face

Once you have shown your cards, what’s supposed to come after that? I was never really all that good at poker itself, only reading people. Their micro-expressions, affect, changes in speech, tone, breathing and heart rate, body language, and the way they hold themself. Depending on the person, there’s a specific way they hold their cards, sit in their chair, adjust their body to match their level of comfort. You don’t need to be fabulous at the game, to win it. Hell, you don’t even need to understand it, to win it. But all that I am interested in doing, is cashing out. I’ve shown you my cards. I can’t tell if you’ve looked down at them or not, since you have seemingly always had the upper hand anyway. You are the only person who I have honestly had such a hard time reading. You and I. We think alike, you know. You read me, and I read you. There’s a disconnect though. I can’t read you over the computer. I can’t see you, hear you. I can only read the messages you send me. But no matter what you write or don’t write, the silence is worse. You tell me that you just need time. you like your solitude. I get that. But there’s a fear that lives within me, now. A fear that the space will deepen and grow, and you won’t want to repair it. But now that I’ve shown you my cards…I haven’t heard from you. You are nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be heard from. This is me folding my cards. We didn’t work for two reasons: 1. You love her. 2. I love you. You told me before that you had never thought of me like that, and never would. I believe you. you would never lie to me. you are the only man who I honestly believe, would never lie to me. I truly believe that if you were to let her stay in the past, you could move on with me in your future. you asked me why I thought we haven’t worked so far. This was my answer. She destroyed you once, and it’s dragging on. i get it, I do. We’ve talked about it. A lot. I understand the situation as you’ve presented it to me, even from our first date together. But keep in mind. You messaged me first. You were the tinder to my fire. And the damn app worked. Your love for her has made me insecure. We get into fights because one of us joke, I get scared that you’ll call her again, and then I get nervous freak out in one way or another. I’m sorry about that. I really am. no matter how much you think you know me, you’ve only seen my insecurities. See me for me. Not when I’m terrified that you’re going to call her back and let the space between us grow. Leave her in the past, and let me be in your future. Take off your poker face. I dare you…

Until next time~

Tovala

Good Trouble

The grass is not always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you decide to water it. Just make sure that you do not decide to water a poisoned lawn.

I am all for honesty being the best policy. I believe that honesty is a core value in any relationship, but what happens when you speak the truth and you are told it is false? You know it is true, and they tell you that you are in a dream like haze. My books give me a general understanding, while life clarifies that understanding. Yes, such is true. But my soul gives me love, and my heart projects it. Rejection is most foul, as a sure thing is a rarity. You once called me intriguing, but now you call me infatuated. You may know me, the real me. But you obviously do not know me well enough.

Until next time~

Tovala