After a long day of comparing myself to others, I’ve realized something. There’s no need to. I dare myself to compare almost everything about my being to other people, other women. Isn’t it just exhausting? In reality, I compare my body, mind, and spirit to other women in countless ways, with more criticisms then a magazine editor and food critic combined. I dare myself to compare to them, when in reality I should be looking at the truth of the matter. Ladies and gentlemen, the trust, is that they are no better than me. And I, am the best me there ever will be.
Until next time,
Once you have shown your cards, what’s supposed to come after that? I was never really all that good at poker itself, only reading people. Their micro-expressions, affect, changes in speech, tone, breathing and heart rate, body language, and the way they hold themself. Depending on the person, there’s a specific way they hold their cards, sit in their chair, adjust their body to match their level of comfort. You don’t need to be fabulous at the game, to win it. Hell, you don’t even need to understand it, to win it. But all that I am interested in doing, is cashing out. I’ve shown you my cards. I can’t tell if you’ve looked down at them or not, since you have seemingly always had the upper hand anyway. You are the only person who I have honestly had such a hard time reading. You and I. We think alike, you know. You read me, and I read you. There’s a disconnect though. I can’t read you over the computer. I can’t see you, hear you. I can only read the messages you send me. But no matter what you write or don’t write, the silence is worse. You tell me that you just need time. you like your solitude. I get that. But there’s a fear that lives within me, now. A fear that the space will deepen and grow, and you won’t want to repair it. But now that I’ve shown you my cards…I haven’t heard from you. You are nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be heard from. This is me folding my cards. We didn’t work for two reasons: 1. You love her. 2. I love you. You told me before that you had never thought of me like that, and never would. I believe you. you would never lie to me. you are the only man who I honestly believe, would never lie to me. I truly believe that if you were to let her stay in the past, you could move on with me in your future. you asked me why I thought we haven’t worked so far. This was my answer. She destroyed you once, and it’s dragging on. i get it, I do. We’ve talked about it. A lot. I understand the situation as you’ve presented it to me, even from our first date together. But keep in mind. You messaged me first. You were the tinder to my fire. And the damn app worked. Your love for her has made me insecure. We get into fights because one of us joke, I get scared that you’ll call her again, and then I get nervous freak out in one way or another. I’m sorry about that. I really am. no matter how much you think you know me, you’ve only seen my insecurities. See me for me. Not when I’m terrified that you’re going to call her back and let the space between us grow. Leave her in the past, and let me be in your future. Take off your poker face. I dare you…
Until next time~