Truth or Dare. 

After a long day of comparing myself to others, I’ve realized something. There’s no need to. I dare myself to compare almost everything about my being to other people, other women. Isn’t it just exhausting? In reality, I compare my body, mind, and spirit to other women in countless ways, with more criticisms then a magazine editor and food critic combined. I dare myself to compare to them, when in reality I should be looking at the truth of the matter. Ladies and gentlemen, the trust, is that they are no better than me. And I, am the best me there ever will be. 

Until next time, 

-Tovala

Yup. I Love Him.

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I hope you can find some use of these things. The flag represents my heart and is a small piece of me you can take with you. The name tape on the front represents the future and name I hope to share with you. The cover of camo represents my arms always around you.

With all the love and hope I possess…

Yes… I love him.

Until next time~

Tovala

His Promises To Me

He made me a set of promises. He always keeps his promises.

I will never lie to you.

I will never hurt you.

I will ask you to marry me by no later than 21 Oct 2016.

I will never resent you.

I will always love you.

I will always strive to be the man you want and deserve.

So long as you’ll have me, I will always be there.

There is one more promise to come. The only difference, is that this particular promise, will be seen in the form of a ring. I admire and love all of them, just as I admire and love the man who gave them all to me.

I am proud to call him mine, as he is proud to call me his.

Until next time~

Tovala

The Escape Artist

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Modifications To An Invention. I don’t even know where to begin this time… I have made many modifications to the relationships in my life. Writing a post is always very nerve wracking, but I have discuss. So get on board. After all, you swim with the sharks, or die with the fishes, right?

I am finally over him. I can finally put the past where it belongs, where he belongs. Now, it’s time to face to future head on when full force. Closure is sweet. I have put one man in the past and another has taken his place. I am glad to announce that my man has proudly been by my side since St. Patrick’s Day. -I like having a fun way to remember my anniversary anyway.- The feeling that you just ‘fit’ into someone’s life is simply wonderful. That’s how it feels with him. We simply ‘fit’ into one another’s lives. When I look into his eyes, I see something profound. When I look into his eyes, I see a future, and I feel safe and secure.

I have always wanted to travel to a new place, see new things, and meet new people. Just leave, and go. Escape. I have been in the same city my entire life, and I feel a powerful need for change. Recently, while imagining myself in these new places, doing these new things, and meeting these new people, I am seeing him there with me. Right beside me. I see a future with this man, and I want it immensely.

I am an escape artist awaiting her great escape…

Until next time~

Tovala

Learning To Live In The Moment

You know what the best feeling in the world is? It’s putting on a pair of sweatpants fresh from the dryer on a cold winter night. But do you know what the second best feeling in the world is? When you start out a new relationship and it feels completely natural and safe to be in their arms, it is one of the best feelings there are. I am not Irish, but I now have a whole new reason to like St. Patrick’s Day.

Until next time~

Tovala

D*mn Facebook.

I was doing so well with not wanting him. Forcing myself to not think of his voice, his smell. The way he loved to play his nerdy games and play with his cat on the bed I once loved laying in. The warm embrace that once felt so natural, being under his arm, my lips working their way from his chest up to his neck and followed by his lips. Yes these are the thoughts I try to stay away from and keep from letting invade my mind. I was doing a pretty good job of it up until I saw something so unexpected that it took me back a few steps. Seeing his friend from work, that I have zero friends in common with, on my suggestions for friends on facebook. Seeing that before class the other day really woke me up. It felt like the universe was mad at me again. But you know, it’s funny. The last time I felt like crying was the day we cut each other off. And since then, nothing. I think that’s the key to knowing you’ve made the right choice. The fact that I wanted to cry more before cutting ties, then I do after. Sure, I get lonely now and then, but that’s normal. I realize that, but I also realize that I need someone more mature then him. Someone who wants the same things as me. I need someone who wants to text me. Someone who wants to hold me. Someone who wants to caress me. Most importantly, someone who I can make happy in return.

Anyway, I wish I had a better topic to tell you about. But I just don’t right now. Sorry. Lately the only topic I feel that brings relief to me, is my love life. However much of a good trouble it is.

Until next time~

Tovala

Great Job Universe. Thanks A Bunch.

Alright, alright, alright. Enough already. I was a fool and I know it. Now that I’ve admitted to it publicly, can the world finally just let it go?? I’ve let it go, let him go. I will not return to the toxic relationship that once was. Or the person he made me become. I don’t like that girl. I never did.

To all of those people who hold themselves to a much higher standard, much harsher standard, almost to the point where you’re cruel toward yourself, you need to stop. I have, or am trying. That’s me though. But I’ll make you a promise. If you stop and promise to not be such a self hater, then I will to. I am my own worst hater. And he helped drag me down that road, so I burned that bridge. To be honest, I self detonated that bridge in a slow way, today. And I don’t want to sound vain or anything, so I’ll give him some well deserved credit, too. Both of our techniques for destruction were masterfully crafted, and equally toxic. I must say… well done. We might both be pretty well damaged for a long time to come. But I’ll tell you one thing. I’m worth more than that.

Great job universe. Thanks a bunch.

Until next time~

Tovala

These Most Lovely of Horrible Emotions

It’s the most lovely of horrible emotions when all the right things happen, only it’s with the wrong person. And your desired one is off on a date, while you rest in the arms of another. Where you get all the treatment that you had hoped for, only when you look up, it’s to the wrong face. The wrong voice. The wrong touch. And the wrong heart.

It’s horrible from every angle. That moment when you face the fact that you truly do not want them, but you know they want you. That moment where you know you desire someone else, and you know they want you too, but you cannot be together. The moment that star crossed lovers will forever be tormented by the dream of happiness but the bite of reality. That moment where, you know you love them more then they will ever love you.

That moment. Let that moment crash and die, before you do.

Until next time~
Tovala

Toxic.

You told me once or twice before (…fine, a few times. Is that better?) that our relationship is toxic. My coworkers and friends have told me this too. Using the exact same word. Toxic. I don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Tonight you called me. We talked. You hung up. I made you upset. Again, one of us made the other upset. I can’t usually tell when I’ve made you upset though. I am truly sorry for that. If you know me at all, you would know that I care very deeply, and would never make you upset or hurt you on purpose.

We are the same. We are both damaged goods. Hazardous waste. A danger to one’s self and society. Emotionally compromised. Toxic.

I have been told that my posts are very sad. I am well aware of this fact, as it is nothing new to me. This however, is all that has been going through my head lately. He is all that I can think about. It’s hard to think about much else right now. But I’ll end up forcing myself to. Just as I always do. It’s hard to not text you. Not call you. Not message you. I fucking hate that there are so many ways to contact one person. After you hung up tonight, and we texted a few times, I told you that I would not contact you until you did so first. To take space you need. I hope you don’t take to long to call me back. You said that we could never be together because you need someone who’s just as arrogant as you are. You made sure to inform me that this ‘isn’t about [me]. It’s about [you] and [your] damn conscious [you] developed.’ One final question for the night. Did you actually think that any of this was surprising to me? News flash… It wasn’t. Not one bit.

I miss the relationship that never was. But, I will find a man someday who appreciates the gem I am, and who will take my toxic past and turn it around.

I have nothing else to say. So I’ll collect what’s left of me, and move on.

Until next time~

Tovala