Truth or Dare. 

After a long day of comparing myself to others, I’ve realized something. There’s no need to. I dare myself to compare almost everything about my being to other people, other women. Isn’t it just exhausting? In reality, I compare my body, mind, and spirit to other women in countless ways, with more criticisms then a magazine editor and food critic combined. I dare myself to compare to them, when in reality I should be looking at the truth of the matter. Ladies and gentlemen, the trust, is that they are no better than me. And I, am the best me there ever will be. 

Until next time, 

-Tovala

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Great Job Universe. Thanks A Bunch.

Alright, alright, alright. Enough already. I was a fool and I know it. Now that I’ve admitted to it publicly, can the world finally just let it go?? I’ve let it go, let him go. I will not return to the toxic relationship that once was. Or the person he made me become. I don’t like that girl. I never did.

To all of those people who hold themselves to a much higher standard, much harsher standard, almost to the point where you’re cruel toward yourself, you need to stop. I have, or am trying. That’s me though. But I’ll make you a promise. If you stop and promise to not be such a self hater, then I will to. I am my own worst hater. And he helped drag me down that road, so I burned that bridge. To be honest, I self detonated that bridge in a slow way, today. And I don’t want to sound vain or anything, so I’ll give him some well deserved credit, too. Both of our techniques for destruction were masterfully crafted, and equally toxic. I must say… well done. We might both be pretty well damaged for a long time to come. But I’ll tell you one thing. I’m worth more than that.

Great job universe. Thanks a bunch.

Until next time~

Tovala

Toxic.

You told me once or twice before (…fine, a few times. Is that better?) that our relationship is toxic. My coworkers and friends have told me this too. Using the exact same word. Toxic. I don’t deserve that. No one deserves that. Tonight you called me. We talked. You hung up. I made you upset. Again, one of us made the other upset. I can’t usually tell when I’ve made you upset though. I am truly sorry for that. If you know me at all, you would know that I care very deeply, and would never make you upset or hurt you on purpose.

We are the same. We are both damaged goods. Hazardous waste. A danger to one’s self and society. Emotionally compromised. Toxic.

I have been told that my posts are very sad. I am well aware of this fact, as it is nothing new to me. This however, is all that has been going through my head lately. He is all that I can think about. It’s hard to think about much else right now. But I’ll end up forcing myself to. Just as I always do. It’s hard to not text you. Not call you. Not message you. I fucking hate that there are so many ways to contact one person. After you hung up tonight, and we texted a few times, I told you that I would not contact you until you did so first. To take space you need. I hope you don’t take to long to call me back. You said that we could never be together because you need someone who’s just as arrogant as you are. You made sure to inform me that this ‘isn’t about [me]. It’s about [you] and [your] damn conscious [you] developed.’ One final question for the night. Did you actually think that any of this was surprising to me? News flash… It wasn’t. Not one bit.

I miss the relationship that never was. But, I will find a man someday who appreciates the gem I am, and who will take my toxic past and turn it around.

I have nothing else to say. So I’ll collect what’s left of me, and move on.

Until next time~

Tovala

Because I Deserve It.

A question as old as time. No, not that one. I mean, the question of how long it should take you to ‘get over someone’? Especially when you were never actually dating or even ‘with’ them? It may be hard to believe, but I actually have this down. I think the only appropriate answer, is how ever long it took you to ‘fall’ for them is how long you should give yourself to ‘get over’ them. Yeah, that seems only logical. Plus, in this case I gave all that I could and more. It still wasn’t enough. To solidify the end of what never was, he called it toxic. I don’t deserve that. Nobody does.

Until next time~

Tovala

Love Actually

Love actually… or maybe not.

Yeah, let’s go with not. I’d rather it be real, but I can’t control others’. I hate that, don’t you? And I hate being that sad little brokenhearted girl. So I’m not. I refuse to be ‘that girl’. The man that I was in love with — all to stupidly I might add– has crushed any feelings I had for him. hahaha I mean, I wish he did. As much as I don’t want to be ‘that girl’, I am the girl who never loses hope. That’s something that will never change about me. Nor would I want it to. But I do recognize that ‘i need to take my own advise. When my friends are put into situations like this, I tell them that he isn’t worth it. You deserve to have someone who cares about you, who will be there for you, who will go out of their way for you. So yes, I will take my own advise. But, I will save him as a friend. That much is granted to those who desire it.

So here’s to my single guys and gals out there, because we rock!!

Until next time~

Tovala

Time After Time…

There’s a secret to it all, you see. The key to our relationship -what ever that relationship may be at the time- is that if I keep talking to you, you’ll keep talking to me. You tell me that if I really knew you, I would know that you would keep talking to me, as long as I keep talking to you. But I have my doubts about that. Just like the words you find need to be evaluated in your life, I wonder what rules you keep, will also be reevaluated. I’ve told you that I never wanted to play any mind games with you. I message you when I feel like talking with you. I haven’t played hard to get, even though I know you love the chase. I have never lied to you, even as it pains me to tell you the truth. But your rejection, pains me the most. Time. After time. After time. And time again.

Until next time~

Tovala

Poker Face

Once you have shown your cards, what’s supposed to come after that? I was never really all that good at poker itself, only reading people. Their micro-expressions, affect, changes in speech, tone, breathing and heart rate, body language, and the way they hold themself. Depending on the person, there’s a specific way they hold their cards, sit in their chair, adjust their body to match their level of comfort. You don’t need to be fabulous at the game, to win it. Hell, you don’t even need to understand it, to win it. But all that I am interested in doing, is cashing out. I’ve shown you my cards. I can’t tell if you’ve looked down at them or not, since you have seemingly always had the upper hand anyway. You are the only person who I have honestly had such a hard time reading. You and I. We think alike, you know. You read me, and I read you. There’s a disconnect though. I can’t read you over the computer. I can’t see you, hear you. I can only read the messages you send me. But no matter what you write or don’t write, the silence is worse. You tell me that you just need time. you like your solitude. I get that. But there’s a fear that lives within me, now. A fear that the space will deepen and grow, and you won’t want to repair it. But now that I’ve shown you my cards…I haven’t heard from you. You are nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be heard from. This is me folding my cards. We didn’t work for two reasons: 1. You love her. 2. I love you. You told me before that you had never thought of me like that, and never would. I believe you. you would never lie to me. you are the only man who I honestly believe, would never lie to me. I truly believe that if you were to let her stay in the past, you could move on with me in your future. you asked me why I thought we haven’t worked so far. This was my answer. She destroyed you once, and it’s dragging on. i get it, I do. We’ve talked about it. A lot. I understand the situation as you’ve presented it to me, even from our first date together. But keep in mind. You messaged me first. You were the tinder to my fire. And the damn app worked. Your love for her has made me insecure. We get into fights because one of us joke, I get scared that you’ll call her again, and then I get nervous freak out in one way or another. I’m sorry about that. I really am. no matter how much you think you know me, you’ve only seen my insecurities. See me for me. Not when I’m terrified that you’re going to call her back and let the space between us grow. Leave her in the past, and let me be in your future. Take off your poker face. I dare you…

Until next time~

Tovala

Good Trouble

The grass is not always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you decide to water it. Just make sure that you do not decide to water a poisoned lawn.

I am all for honesty being the best policy. I believe that honesty is a core value in any relationship, but what happens when you speak the truth and you are told it is false? You know it is true, and they tell you that you are in a dream like haze. My books give me a general understanding, while life clarifies that understanding. Yes, such is true. But my soul gives me love, and my heart projects it. Rejection is most foul, as a sure thing is a rarity. You once called me intriguing, but now you call me infatuated. You may know me, the real me. But you obviously do not know me well enough.

Until next time~

Tovala