Because I Deserve It.

A question as old as time. No, not that one. I mean, the question of how long it should take you to ‘get over someone’? Especially when you were never actually dating or even ‘with’ them? It may be hard to believe, but I actually have this down. I think the only appropriate answer, is how ever long it took you to ‘fall’ for them is how long you should give yourself to ‘get over’ them. Yeah, that seems only logical. Plus, in this case I gave all that I could and more. It still wasn’t enough. To solidify the end of what never was, he called it toxic. I don’t deserve that. Nobody does.

Until next time~

Tovala

Love Actually

Love actually… or maybe not.

Yeah, let’s go with not. I’d rather it be real, but I can’t control others’. I hate that, don’t you? And I hate being that sad little brokenhearted girl. So I’m not. I refuse to be ‘that girl’. The man that I was in love with — all to stupidly I might add– has crushed any feelings I had for him. hahaha I mean, I wish he did. As much as I don’t want to be ‘that girl’, I am the girl who never loses hope. That’s something that will never change about me. Nor would I want it to. But I do recognize that ‘i need to take my own advise. When my friends are put into situations like this, I tell them that he isn’t worth it. You deserve to have someone who cares about you, who will be there for you, who will go out of their way for you. So yes, I will take my own advise. But, I will save him as a friend. That much is granted to those who desire it.

So here’s to my single guys and gals out there, because we rock!!

Until next time~

Tovala

I Wonder If This Too, Remains True.

Laying there right next to you. Right beside you. Your toes caressing mine. Letting me know exactly what’s on your mind. As if it weren’t on mine as well. I move to put my head on your chest. Without missing a beat, you wrap your arm around me. Your hand moves from my side to my shoulder and back again, from time to time. My body is cold to the touch, though you are so warm. As my leg settles in between your own, your toes cuddling against my own. Your legs pressing against mine. As my arm rests on your chest beside my face. Your heart beats in my ear. You comfort me in a world full of uncertainty. You once told me that I was a candle in a dark world. But you make me shine brighter. That remains true. You also once said that there was a new woman in your life who had made a smile return to your lips. I wonder if this too, remains true.

Until next time~

Tovala

Time After Time…

There’s a secret to it all, you see. The key to our relationship -what ever that relationship may be at the time- is that if I keep talking to you, you’ll keep talking to me. You tell me that if I really knew you, I would know that you would keep talking to me, as long as I keep talking to you. But I have my doubts about that. Just like the words you find need to be evaluated in your life, I wonder what rules you keep, will also be reevaluated. I’ve told you that I never wanted to play any mind games with you. I message you when I feel like talking with you. I haven’t played hard to get, even though I know you love the chase. I have never lied to you, even as it pains me to tell you the truth. But your rejection, pains me the most. Time. After time. After time. And time again.

Until next time~

Tovala

Poker Face

Once you have shown your cards, what’s supposed to come after that? I was never really all that good at poker itself, only reading people. Their micro-expressions, affect, changes in speech, tone, breathing and heart rate, body language, and the way they hold themself. Depending on the person, there’s a specific way they hold their cards, sit in their chair, adjust their body to match their level of comfort. You don’t need to be fabulous at the game, to win it. Hell, you don’t even need to understand it, to win it. But all that I am interested in doing, is cashing out. I’ve shown you my cards. I can’t tell if you’ve looked down at them or not, since you have seemingly always had the upper hand anyway. You are the only person who I have honestly had such a hard time reading. You and I. We think alike, you know. You read me, and I read you. There’s a disconnect though. I can’t read you over the computer. I can’t see you, hear you. I can only read the messages you send me. But no matter what you write or don’t write, the silence is worse. You tell me that you just need time. you like your solitude. I get that. But there’s a fear that lives within me, now. A fear that the space will deepen and grow, and you won’t want to repair it. But now that I’ve shown you my cards…I haven’t heard from you. You are nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be heard from. This is me folding my cards. We didn’t work for two reasons: 1. You love her. 2. I love you. You told me before that you had never thought of me like that, and never would. I believe you. you would never lie to me. you are the only man who I honestly believe, would never lie to me. I truly believe that if you were to let her stay in the past, you could move on with me in your future. you asked me why I thought we haven’t worked so far. This was my answer. She destroyed you once, and it’s dragging on. i get it, I do. We’ve talked about it. A lot. I understand the situation as you’ve presented it to me, even from our first date together. But keep in mind. You messaged me first. You were the tinder to my fire. And the damn app worked. Your love for her has made me insecure. We get into fights because one of us joke, I get scared that you’ll call her again, and then I get nervous freak out in one way or another. I’m sorry about that. I really am. no matter how much you think you know me, you’ve only seen my insecurities. See me for me. Not when I’m terrified that you’re going to call her back and let the space between us grow. Leave her in the past, and let me be in your future. Take off your poker face. I dare you…

Until next time~

Tovala

Good Trouble

The grass is not always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you decide to water it. Just make sure that you do not decide to water a poisoned lawn.

I am all for honesty being the best policy. I believe that honesty is a core value in any relationship, but what happens when you speak the truth and you are told it is false? You know it is true, and they tell you that you are in a dream like haze. My books give me a general understanding, while life clarifies that understanding. Yes, such is true. But my soul gives me love, and my heart projects it. Rejection is most foul, as a sure thing is a rarity. You once called me intriguing, but now you call me infatuated. You may know me, the real me. But you obviously do not know me well enough.

Until next time~

Tovala

The World’s Misunderstanding.

I find it so interesting. So interesting how someone can be so curious, yet when they ask the world about their questions, the only response is that they need to have more confidence. Last night I asked a… lets just call him a friend (a very good friend, and no, he is not the same man I’ve written about in the past), about my blog and how he would describe me. One thing he said to me, was that I seem to have very little confidence. I have been told this by a few other people in my life as well. It puzzles me every time, because I am very confident in myself. I know who I am, and I know where I want to go in life. The journey however, is screwing me up and trying to knock me down at every turn and fork in the road. Non the less, I am confident in myself, and there are few things that I am not confident in. As I have explained to people who tell me how I am in need of confidence, I am confident but I am curious. I have questions, and I ask them. As most people hold the questions in and repress them, I ask them. I see no point in repressing questions, therefor I do not. If I am wondering how others view me, think of, or see me, then I ask them (It’s not like I ask random people, I’m not that much of a creeper). But I have asked a select few friends. I’m a psychology major. What can I say, I love knowing the reasoning behind people’s behaviors and thoughts. It’s just what I do, how I think, and I can’t help it. So why hide it? I feel like this is an AA meeting for questions. –Hello, my name is Tova. I am a question-er. I am brave enough to ask my questions, and confident enough not give a damn about every response I get back.–  When I ask questions it isn’t that I seek approval, it’s that I’m curious. I want to know what others think of me because it entertains me. When people first get to know me, they are often very surprised by the things that come out of my mouth. I am one of those people who has an outrageously wild mind. One of the reasons I liked the guy I’ve written so many times about before on this blog, is because he’s the only man I have ever known who could match my mind set and keep up. He loved the strange way my mind works. How one second I could be petting the cat and the next second, I’d tell him how fun it would be to be in my dark classroom alone with him, as he wraps him arms around me and I kiss his neck. And yes, this is based off actual events. I’ll give other examples if you like, just ask me in the comment section. I always respond. That’s how my mind works, and I can’t help it. No shame here.

The moral of my rant –current rant– is that just because people may ask a lot of questions, but don’t automatically assume that their questioning of things means that they have no confidence. I am very confident, and you see that the more I choose to open up to you. It takes a while to see those part of me: the question-er and the confident young woman who will speak her mind. The world just misunderstands me sometimes.

Until next time~

Tovala

Relax For Finals Week Already!

For a lot of students this week is the week is all essays and exams for the final week of this semester. I personally have finals next week. If the opportunity presents itself to just sit back and relax, please take it! If that moment seems like a distant memory that fades by the second, then please make the time. It will help you in the long run to take a couple of hours and just do what ever calms you down. When I get stressed, I like to either write what ever I’m thinking down somewhere, or actual human contact helps too. Yes, put your phone, computer, iPad, tablet, and any other electronics you may have, away. Just let your mind relax. Good luck on finals, and have a wonderful weekend!

Until next time~

Tovala

May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor…

I swear to you, I had every intention on being good around him. I’ve accepted the fact that he wants no real relationship with me. Ever. He asked me to see the Hunger Games’s, Mocking Jay, and I really wanted to see it, so I did. –great movie by the way– Then I asked if we could finally watch Ghostbusters together the next night. He nicknamed me Zuul, after one of the ghosts in the movie. Plus, I’ve never seen the whole thing before this. And that’s where the trouble hit me. As hard as I try, I just can’t not want him.

I am one of those old soul personalities. I am an almost hopeless-romantic. All I want is a man who loves me just as much as I love him. Who can make me as happy as I make him. Someone who will be loyal to me, who won’t cheat on me, because he simply has no desire to be with other women. Do people not do these things anymore? I think part of the reason I want him so badly, is because I know he wants the same things I do. He just doesn’t want them with me.

But something that I realized the other night, is that I am completely lost in life. I go to a college where there are three women to every one man. I have also never been attracted to men my own age, not seriously anyway. The guys I’m attracted to all seem to be on the nerdy side (ok, maybe major nerds, like Big Bang Theory major nerds) who are also into cars. And that’s exactly who this man is. He is the perfect combination of what I need and what I crave. I think I am at a point of where I could leave him in the past, if the situation called for it. I think that realizing when that point is, is where I am likely to mess it up. I really don’t want to reach that point, so I’m worried that I’m blinding myself of it. The last couple things that I am attracted to, are guys who want something real, and someone who shares my own religion. I would be perfectly happy getting married to a man at the age I am right now. As long as he cared deeply about me. And honestly, I want to settle down. And I don’t feel the need to wait. That’s just who I am.

So to sum up the situation, I want a nerdy, car guy, who cares about me, and who’s also Jewish. Match maker, match maker, catch me a catch, find me a find… And may the odds be ever not in your favor. Because clearly I am not destined to find him. Scratch that. I have found my soul mate. He just doesn’t want me, he only wants the idea of me.

It’s strange how I truly do think that I am able to walk away if I ever absolutely had to. I have accepted the situation for what it is. But I still hope it changes. This is just one of my many contradictions.

Until next time~

Tovala