I swear to you, I had every intention on being good around him. I’ve accepted the fact that he wants no real relationship with me. Ever. He asked me to see the Hunger Games’s, Mocking Jay, and I really wanted to see it, so I did. –great movie by the way– Then I asked if we could finally watch Ghostbusters together the next night. He nicknamed me Zuul, after one of the ghosts in the movie. Plus, I’ve never seen the whole thing before this. And that’s where the trouble hit me. As hard as I try, I just can’t not want him.
I am one of those old soul personalities. I am an almost hopeless-romantic. All I want is a man who loves me just as much as I love him. Who can make me as happy as I make him. Someone who will be loyal to me, who won’t cheat on me, because he simply has no desire to be with other women. Do people not do these things anymore? I think part of the reason I want him so badly, is because I know he wants the same things I do. He just doesn’t want them with me.
But something that I realized the other night, is that I am completely lost in life. I go to a college where there are three women to every one man. I have also never been attracted to men my own age, not seriously anyway. The guys I’m attracted to all seem to be on the nerdy side (ok, maybe major nerds, like Big Bang Theory major nerds) who are also into cars. And that’s exactly who this man is. He is the perfect combination of what I need and what I crave. I think I am at a point of where I could leave him in the past, if the situation called for it. I think that realizing when that point is, is where I am likely to mess it up. I really don’t want to reach that point, so I’m worried that I’m blinding myself of it. The last couple things that I am attracted to, are guys who want something real, and someone who shares my own religion. I would be perfectly happy getting married to a man at the age I am right now. As long as he cared deeply about me. And honestly, I want to settle down. And I don’t feel the need to wait. That’s just who I am.
So to sum up the situation, I want a nerdy, car guy, who cares about me, and who’s also Jewish. Match maker, match maker, catch me a catch, find me a find… And may the odds be ever not in your favor. Because clearly I am not destined to find him. Scratch that. I have found my soul mate. He just doesn’t want me, he only wants the idea of me.
It’s strange how I truly do think that I am able to walk away if I ever absolutely had to. I have accepted the situation for what it is. But I still hope it changes. This is just one of my many contradictions.
Until next time~